A definition could not be so true or better suited: "A showy misrepresentation intended to conceal something unpleasant." How perfectly these eight words describe my entire schooling life. How perfectly they describe me.
"Showy"
Well I guess any attempt to conceal the truth has to be so exaggerated and flamboyant to be believable, and I think I did a pretty good job. If people had really thought about it, surely they would have realised that this sort of life wasn't really that of a person, but more a robot. Or maybe that is me just getting angry at myself for putting on such a good show that everyone did fall for it. Junior School Leader, lead role in the Year 7 musical, numerous academic awards, Social Justice representative, First Teams in every sport, Kwong Lee Dow Young Scholar, Captain and B&F for Netball - twice, debator, musician, State League netballer, and School fucking Captain. Is that not complete and utter insanity? And why do I not see these as achievements to be proud of? Because they all form part of this act that I have come to hate myself for. And could this act have been much more "showy" as the definition states? Well actually, it could. But now, without triple honours and with a rapidly decreasing ENTER score, perhaps I will not only learn the best lessons of my life, but also break out of this superficial performance.
"Misrepresentation"
So if all of this was a misrepresentation, then who am I really? I don't even know, and I guess that's half the problem. All I know is that I fooled people pretty damn well. At one stage, it was killing me how many times I would hear, "I wish I were you," only to think to myself, "You have no fucking idea." Yet as the facade began to break down, I would panic and quickly gather up the pieces and try and repair it. Why? Maybe because it was what I had come to know and feel comfort with. It was safe and it was secure. It sheilded what I was scared of people finding out, even though I didn't quite know what that was. It was nice to be praised, loved and admired, yet at the same time I paid a heavy price appearing to be this image and suppressing all my emotions and self-destruction underneath. I hated people for not knowing how hard things were and not helping or being there, but instead, "wishing they were me" when they had no clue what that even meant. All of it was a lie, my show was a lovable, perfect and enviable young woman, yet everything that brewed below the surface was the polar opposite.
"Conceal"
So what exactly was it that I trying to conceal? That I had no personality? That I was suffering, in pain, hurt? That I hated myself? Or that I couldn't cope with my pathetic excuse of a life and simply wanted to die? Beneath a confident exterior I was still a shy and self-conscious little girl, yearning for some level of self-acceptance. I was scared of exposing weakness, scared of letting people down, scared of being vulnerable. And honestly, I still am. I have been lost and confused for so long, and somewhere along the way, I seemed to have missed the "coping skills" or "resilience" lesson in my life. Nothing went wrong in my life. Nothing. I just went wrong. Feeling like my life was worth nothing, being nobody and not being okay with that - that is what I was trying to conceal. And what better way than to distract everyone with an almost flawless overachiever - while in the meantime, whoever and whatever I really was just wiltered away.
"Something unpleasant"
Yes it was, is and has been. Right now, where I am, I feel like these have been some of the worst years of my life. This year, certainly, has been the worst year of my life. And in a way, this offers one of the best rewards - what I will have learnt and what I will have achieved. Because in a year, 5 years, 10 years - whenever - I know I will look back at this and say, "I can't believe I got through all that". And right now, these exams, this pressure, this stress and this emotion is one of the worst, most upsetting and most dragged out things I have ever done in my life. It is merely beyond words, so I won't even try. But as they say, if you're going through hell, keep going.
The facade will fall away soon enough - I know it already is, and although part of me wants to hold onto it, in the end I know it will be for the best. At the moment, I am not free, but I will be so soon. It is almost over, and I cannot thank my friends - above all, Nom Nom and Katie Lou - for getting me through this - you don't know how much you have done for me, and I honestly thank you so much and so sincerely for always being there at the end of the phone or the receiving end of a much-needed hug. And Kim, counsellor and friend, well, even though you'll never see this, thank you for everything. For the few tragic lives that may have been lost in your time, I can promise you that you have saved a lot more.
As for me, well, when it's all over I will finally have the freedom to find myself, discover what it is I'm looking for and I will have so much to be proud of - none of this academic crap, but the simple fact that I made it through.
Now, go out there, M. Put on a brave face and finish off what you started.
"Showy"
Well I guess any attempt to conceal the truth has to be so exaggerated and flamboyant to be believable, and I think I did a pretty good job. If people had really thought about it, surely they would have realised that this sort of life wasn't really that of a person, but more a robot. Or maybe that is me just getting angry at myself for putting on such a good show that everyone did fall for it. Junior School Leader, lead role in the Year 7 musical, numerous academic awards, Social Justice representative, First Teams in every sport, Kwong Lee Dow Young Scholar, Captain and B&F for Netball - twice, debator, musician, State League netballer, and School fucking Captain. Is that not complete and utter insanity? And why do I not see these as achievements to be proud of? Because they all form part of this act that I have come to hate myself for. And could this act have been much more "showy" as the definition states? Well actually, it could. But now, without triple honours and with a rapidly decreasing ENTER score, perhaps I will not only learn the best lessons of my life, but also break out of this superficial performance.
"Misrepresentation"
So if all of this was a misrepresentation, then who am I really? I don't even know, and I guess that's half the problem. All I know is that I fooled people pretty damn well. At one stage, it was killing me how many times I would hear, "I wish I were you," only to think to myself, "You have no fucking idea." Yet as the facade began to break down, I would panic and quickly gather up the pieces and try and repair it. Why? Maybe because it was what I had come to know and feel comfort with. It was safe and it was secure. It sheilded what I was scared of people finding out, even though I didn't quite know what that was. It was nice to be praised, loved and admired, yet at the same time I paid a heavy price appearing to be this image and suppressing all my emotions and self-destruction underneath. I hated people for not knowing how hard things were and not helping or being there, but instead, "wishing they were me" when they had no clue what that even meant. All of it was a lie, my show was a lovable, perfect and enviable young woman, yet everything that brewed below the surface was the polar opposite.
"Conceal"
So what exactly was it that I trying to conceal? That I had no personality? That I was suffering, in pain, hurt? That I hated myself? Or that I couldn't cope with my pathetic excuse of a life and simply wanted to die? Beneath a confident exterior I was still a shy and self-conscious little girl, yearning for some level of self-acceptance. I was scared of exposing weakness, scared of letting people down, scared of being vulnerable. And honestly, I still am. I have been lost and confused for so long, and somewhere along the way, I seemed to have missed the "coping skills" or "resilience" lesson in my life. Nothing went wrong in my life. Nothing. I just went wrong. Feeling like my life was worth nothing, being nobody and not being okay with that - that is what I was trying to conceal. And what better way than to distract everyone with an almost flawless overachiever - while in the meantime, whoever and whatever I really was just wiltered away.
"Something unpleasant"
Yes it was, is and has been. Right now, where I am, I feel like these have been some of the worst years of my life. This year, certainly, has been the worst year of my life. And in a way, this offers one of the best rewards - what I will have learnt and what I will have achieved. Because in a year, 5 years, 10 years - whenever - I know I will look back at this and say, "I can't believe I got through all that". And right now, these exams, this pressure, this stress and this emotion is one of the worst, most upsetting and most dragged out things I have ever done in my life. It is merely beyond words, so I won't even try. But as they say, if you're going through hell, keep going.
The facade will fall away soon enough - I know it already is, and although part of me wants to hold onto it, in the end I know it will be for the best. At the moment, I am not free, but I will be so soon. It is almost over, and I cannot thank my friends - above all, Nom Nom and Katie Lou - for getting me through this - you don't know how much you have done for me, and I honestly thank you so much and so sincerely for always being there at the end of the phone or the receiving end of a much-needed hug. And Kim, counsellor and friend, well, even though you'll never see this, thank you for everything. For the few tragic lives that may have been lost in your time, I can promise you that you have saved a lot more.
As for me, well, when it's all over I will finally have the freedom to find myself, discover what it is I'm looking for and I will have so much to be proud of - none of this academic crap, but the simple fact that I made it through.
Now, go out there, M. Put on a brave face and finish off what you started.
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