Maturity: n. The state or quality of being mature.

Someone very recently told me: "Maturity is being able to force yourself to do something you don't want to do to the best of your ability when it is required of you". For now, we just have to suck it up. It is the blood that a doctor has to look past, the vomit in the bed that the parent has to clean up, and right now, for me, it is the mountain of work that I must conquer in the next few weeks.

Time to be practical. This, my friends, is my job for the next few weeks.

It isn't forever. The end is so near that it is almost teasing me. I can see it. I can feel it. Hang in there... just a little longer...

Adios amigos.

I am the worst at making the best of bad times. I am probably the best at making the worst of good times too. But every time we are faced with a challenge, we must ask ourselves, what can I gain from this?

From netball: I will make new friends, I am given a fantastic opportunity to be a leader, I will have a new coach, I will have an amazing season and the ability to dominate.

From school: I will have overcome one of the greatest challenges of my entire life, I will be proud that I made it through, I will settle my nerves before exams and I might even enjoy learning.

When you land yourself in a shit place, look around you, recognise and acknowledge where you are, and back away. You will end up there - this is inevitable - but you have the power to pull yourseld out of it. See the positives.

Just do it.

M for magician.

I know you're worried about me, I just wish I could tell you that none of it is your fault. It is not your fault that I hate myself. It is not your fault I am scared. It is not your fault that I cannot see any prosperity in my future. If I could be granted one wish right now it would be to fade away quietly without a fuss. To be able to end this all without any commotion. To cease existing without all the pain of loss. To just succeed in a disappearing act and for life to go on as if I had never walked on the earth. I wish the reality was not that ending this would inflict irreparable damage upon my friends and family. Perhaps I should regard myself as compassionate to simply bear this pain instead of watching others feel it for me. But how long will it be before I start to do things for my own reasons, not for those of others? I wish, I wish, I wish...

As for happiness, for that, I have given up on wishing...

Have you ever passed 18 years of your life and wondered, "What the fuck just happened?"?

It feels like yet another failure.
I wonder when I will be able to open my eyes and see the world
Clearly again.
How many blows must I take before I become stronger?
When will this stop feeling like it's just getting longer?
Tears again.
The familiarity of stinging eyes again makes me at home.
Alone.
Hope is lost all over again, and I just become weaker.
The future is bleak.
This has reached its peak.

Yet again, like my dreams of change and aspirations of happiness,

It fades into nothingness.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

~Unknown

Ctrl + N

Do you ever just want to start your life all over again? To forget the past, to forget everything that you have been, everything you have done, and just start afresh?

I do.

Right now, I want more than anything to escape the grind. Not just because I am entering what is possibly one of the most stressful experiences of my life, but because I simply hate being who I am and want to start over. I have been upset for so long, hurt for so long, struggling for so long I feel that the only way any of this will ever change is if I simply forget everything that has ever happened to me and everything I have ever been.

No more perceptions of me being perfect. No more negative thoughts. No more netball. No more attention-seeking antics. No more over-eating. No more emptiness. No more conformity. No more excuses. No more me.

I have not been myself for a long time - I don't know who I am because I have stopped trying to be this person that I hate. Yet in the meantime, I do not like this person that I have become any more than that. I just want to leave. All I want to do is leave everything and everyone and simply be alone somewhere for a while where I can figure out who I am and what the hell I am doing here. To read about the world and life. To discover nature. To find myself.

Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.
~Alice in Wonderland

Undeviginti

The one question that I often find undermines my very existence is that of the meaning of our lives: what are we doing here? Whether at the age of 15, the age of 30 or even when we hit the big 5-0, every one of us, at some stage in our lives, will be faced with this question. It is a window that, once opened, allows for no going back; once you have asked this question, the search begins. As I have personally experienced, this can be a real challenge - trying to find one's meaning in the middle of high school is a difficult task, but at the same time, it leads to empowerment. The problem is when this question becomes central to our lives, and instead of it acting as a journey through which we explore different pathways, passions and possibilities, it becomes a struggle that undermines our existence. After persevering through the perils of this question for what has literally been years, I think I have finally come to a conclusion. And this conclusion is that we must simply have faith.

There are many things we cannot control in life - when we fall in love, when we meet our dream job - and finding our meaning is also one of these. I think I set my hopes on expecting someone to relay my own purpose to me, only to realise that everyone's purpose is different. Therefore it is only through self-discovery that one will ever find this.

However, if it is not in our power to determine when we discover the answers to these questions, then what are we expected to do in the meantime? As much as I may struggle to find meaning in it, I believe it is to simply have fun. To enjoy yourself. To try out a whole range of different pathways until one really clicks. And how much fun this could be! To be dragged down by the thought that our lives have no meaning is ridiculous - why does this thought merit any more worth than the simple pleasures of life? Because for now, while we are still searching, that has to be enough, and in the end, it is likely that we will derive an element of our own meaning from these simplicities.

What's more, we cannot let our expectations exceed beyond us when we try to find our meaning in life. We cannot build our lives around this seemingly pivotal discovery, or we are simply reducing the complexity of life to something that does not encapsulate everything that humans are. Humans love, humans laugh, humans cry, humans care for each other. There are more turning points in life than simply finding your reason for being here. Yes, this plays a large role - one of the biggest in our entire lives - yet human life is not this one dimensional. What about the development of relationships? What about the significance of falling in love? Finding you passions? Having children? Watching friends get married and have children? Travelling? Helping others? Broadening our perception of the world?

What about the pleasure and satisfaction we gain from these things?

And viewing bright city lights on a dark night; breathing in night air; winning a netball final; sitting in the sun; singing to music; baking chocolate cakes before training; laughing with friends. The little things.

We are young. We are always young, and there is always time. Things will work out in their own time, and the key is for us to have faith in this fact. Until then, let us take meaning from the simple pleasures - cherish relationships and enjoy all the wrong pathways that we will travel down as part of our journey of self-discovery.

Enjoy being 18.

Again...

The only way to be happy is to simply mask the truth that life sucks and that our lives have no meaning. No matter how many good times or how many bad times, our lives are hollow. Maybe it's easier to convince yourself to bother sticking around if the good ones outweigh the bad, but it doesn't change the fact that we have no purpose and we are simply another organism that is made up of atoms just floating in space.

I do not know how I will ever stop caring about what other people think of me; it is not like I haven't said to myself before "Just ignore it" or "Who cares what other people think?" - for goodness sakes, one of my life ideals for years has been Dr. Seuss' "Be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind". Off by heart, I know the philosophy. Yet knowing isn't doing? Knowledge is not power until you are successful in acting on it. Caring an obscene amount about what other people think will ruin my life. I know that, because it affects me in so many different ways already. I always thought it was one of those things that diminished with maturity, but now it just seems like an embedded part of my personality.

La crême de la crême: It will ALWAYS be such a goddamn effort to be happy, why should I keep on trying? Perhaps you don't agree with my deterministic viewpoint - kudos to you for having a glass half full attitude on the matter. But not only have I read it, but it is evidenced by life itself: the way we are is a result of nature via nurture. Things happen to us throughout life, but we have some sort of genetic predisposition that determines what these experiences mean to us and how we innately react to them. The funny thing is, I don't think I am like either of my parents. I think there is some similarity between me and my sister, but what happened in all of this? Did we just get some fucked up set of genes. Because I honestly feel like that; I got given so, so, so much - everything that everyone is so jealous of me for - yet there are so many others whom I would trade places with in an instant just because I would so much rather be inside their head. People who are okay with themselves, people who either know what their purpose is, or conversely, don't care. People who are funny, who love life. People who are happy. You rave about how interesting I am all the time, yet one of the primary reasons I fucking hate myself so much is because I am so goddamn boring. You always speak of how intelligent I am, but I struggle to find proof for this in anything. You say that I'm beautiful, yet these days I can' stand to look at myself in the mirror. I am not unique and I am not special.

It all seems so logical, and hey it is probably that twisted type of logic that I have made such a bad habit of, but can you see what I'm getting at? With any of it? The best way to be happy comes with not thinking and being distracted because life does not have a meaning… How will I ever stop caring about what other people think of me, because it is not something you can just will away… and why should I keep trying to make things better when it feels like I am innately predisposed to not be happy - like a magnet is continually pulling me back to what is "natural"?

But you see, you have me trapped again. Because as the quote says, "You have a choice. Live or die". Ultimately, there is only one choice; to live. I wish it could be over and I wish I didn't have to go through this anymore because I am just so tired of feeling like I am never making any progress, even if I am. I am sick and tired of the way that I view the world, of my so goddamn pessimistic attitude, for being so fucking self-centred and everything about me that makes life such a fucking arduous task. I hate my temperament, I hate that I can't sustain any one emotion for more than 5 minutes. I hate my stubborn thought that it will never change, yet I see a world of truth in it.

Lady Lazurus

I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it-----

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight,
My featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin
O my enemy.
Do I terrify?

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.
The Peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand and foot
The big strip tease.
Gentleman , ladies

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.

It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

For the eyeing my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart---
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair on my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.

~Sylvia Plath

Untitled.

It will ALWAYS be such a goddamn effort to be happy,
why should I keep on trying?
I give up right here and right now
because it has been too long
I am too tired
I am too hurt
I am too broken,
like the swallow without wings I long to be
free. I cannot lift myself off the ground.
I am not trying hard enough -
I have yet another excuse - I am
exhausted. No reinforcement for my efforts, but instead a large perpetual
circle, round and round and round until
I cannot spin any further.
Give me a lethal dose of the opiate that will take this pain away.
I hate the world... I hate myself.
Where is the you or the we?
Selfish, careless, lost to infinity.
I have failed and it has not even started;
to be born was my biggest failure.
Perhaps the best thing I can do is just to undo the damage
I have done.

Note to self:

You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be.

Thank you.

Although I should really never pass a day without thanking God for my friends, I often do. I guess when you become so used to having something all the time you begin to take it for granted, but when I step back and take a look, I can appreciate how damn lucky I am. I never, ever, ever want to lose them because these are some of the most amazing people I think I will ever meet. Gifted, beautiful, loyal, wise and so much more.

For my friends, thank you. For the laughs, the smiles, the support, the music, the artwork, the thoughts, the tears. It is not your fault that I still feel lonely, but it is your blessing that I see something worth fighting for.

Life.

Things to do:

• Go skydiving
• Live on a farm / in the country / country town
• Ride an aircraft to the edge of the atmosphere
• Dive with sharks
• Live and work in France, speak fluent french
• Visit every continent (except perhaps Antarctica)
• Do a cross-country bike tour
• Learn to dance/tango
• Learn to surf
• Be part of the Rio Carnival in Brazil
• Volunteer abroad
• Go skinnydipping
  

Places to visit:

• Live in a french cottage in the French countryside and read for a month
• Revisit England, Venice and the New Zealand south island
• See the lights in Las Vegas and visit the Grand Canyon
• Visit Iguazu Falls and the Amazon forest in Brazil
• Go to egypt and see the pyramids and sphinx
• Volunteer in India and visit the Taj Mahal
• Visit Victoria Falls and go on an African safari
• Visit the Great Wall of China
• Go diving in the Great Barrier Reef
• Visit Niagra Falls and the Rocky Mountains (Canada)
• Go to Bora Bora (French Polynesia) and relax....
• Visit the fjordlands of Norway
• See the Himalayas
• Visit Japan

I awoke
Only to find my lungs empty
And through the night
So it seems I'm not breathing
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be
And I'm breaking down,
I think I'm breaking down
And I'm afraid
To sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I'll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down
Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now it's like the night is taking sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice?
I've become
A simple souvenir of someone's kill
And like the sea
I'm constantly changing from calm to ill
Madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole
Oh, how I'm breaking down
Oh my life
Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Could it be this misery will suffice?
~City and Colour

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

Forty-five.

Fuck you. Fuck everyone. Fuck you all for being on my back. For not being on my back. For only being there when it DIDN'T matter. Fuck you for trying and failing to be a part of my life. Damn your pathetic efforts to make some sort of meaningful relationship with your own fucking daughter. Fuck you all for just assuming that it would be okay, that things would just turn out alright; fuck you for being so damn blind. For standing so fucking far away that when I needed you, you were too far out of reach. Fuck you all for being so goddamn disappointed in me, like you never expected it. Well open your eyes you dumb fucks! Did you think I wasn't disappointed enough in myself? How goddamn smart did you think I was; did you think I'd get away with a year without studying? I'd like to see you get a fucking 7 in Standard Level maths...

Fuck you for giving up on me. Don't you worry though, because I'll show you. And when I do, I'll make sure you don't get a cent of credit for it. I will remind you how you didn't believe in me, how you didn't put the effort in. Unless, perhaps, it all turns out the wrong way round..

You want to know the truth? The truth is, I didn't put in the effort. I didn't put in the effort and there was very little that you could do about it. There. I said it. But you'll never hear it. I couldn't bear to expose your ears to the horrid words. Your money, your livelihoods, your lives - all devoted to me, the selfish brat. Stop trying to blame everyone else, M., it's all your fucking fault.