M for magician.

I know you're worried about me, I just wish I could tell you that none of it is your fault. It is not your fault that I hate myself. It is not your fault I am scared. It is not your fault that I cannot see any prosperity in my future. If I could be granted one wish right now it would be to fade away quietly without a fuss. To be able to end this all without any commotion. To cease existing without all the pain of loss. To just succeed in a disappearing act and for life to go on as if I had never walked on the earth. I wish the reality was not that ending this would inflict irreparable damage upon my friends and family. Perhaps I should regard myself as compassionate to simply bear this pain instead of watching others feel it for me. But how long will it be before I start to do things for my own reasons, not for those of others? I wish, I wish, I wish...

As for happiness, for that, I have given up on wishing...