Body. Mind. Spirit.

I have spent a long, long, long time trying to settle on what the meaning of our lives is. I have tried to make the messy and chaotic nature of life into some coherent sort of formula without success. And the reason for this is obvious, life is not organised, it is not the same for everyone and it does not follow a straight path. But as I try to figure out how I will get through this by being "okay" I have settled upon an age-old philosophy based upon the balance of three different components.

Body
We must look after our bodies and keep them in good form. This means eating the right foods, doing the right exercise and keeping in shape. We must look after our health. We must dress ourselves in clothes that make us feel good. As humans, we are essentially made up of a physical component, an emotional component and a spiritual component, and although we may see our "body" as being the most superficial of the three, we still must not underestimate the importance of looking after it. As we learn to do this, we will be more energised towards life and have greater confidence in ourselves.

Mind
Our attitude is of most grave importance. It is imperative that we perceive things rationally, not through a warped lense. We must be kind to ourselves, love ourselves and feel confident with ourselves. We must remember that attitude is everything - we are not slaves to our circumstances, but can actively overcome them in the way we respond to them. Finally, we must believe in ourselves - whether you think you can or you can't, you are right.

Spirit
I believe this is the most extensive component of the three. To me, this component encapsulates the essence of life and what it means to display human spirit. Above anything, it involves doing things that make you feel free and make you feel alive. We must engage ourselves in living and doing things that give us "flow", the mental state in which a person is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and success in the process of an activity. Let us find the things that make us feel free, alive and happy: netball, surfing, writing, swimming, reading, running, yoga, relaxation, helping other people, being compassionate, spending time with friends... Find what it is that makes you feel alive and enjoy it for the rest of your life. Share experiences with people. Help others to do the same. Let go. Breathe. Be free.

I often see the latter component as the greatest of the three, as I believe it is the one that is directly attached to our meaning and our happiness. However, these three components are intertwined and are all equally important. Without one, the others cannot exist in harmony, so it is important not to throw out balance. Love your body, nurture your mind, release your spirit.

Live.

Visualisation.

Many psychology studies have shown the effectiveness of visualisation as a means of learning and creating change. I was once told by my physiotherapist that imagining a muscle in my knee as a lemon being squeezed with each squat could actually lead to faster recovery. I have also been told that imagining myself taking a spectacular intercept or executing a creative feed would translate such things to a netball game. Seeing things clearly in our minds seems to make them more real in reality and the consequences seem more significant. Here is my own image.

If a person is unfortunate enough to suffer from a crush injury, blood flow from the affected area or limb is restricted and is unable to flow towards the heart. In first aid, one is taught to remove the object as soon as possible. However, if such an act is not possible, there may be little hope for the injured person, because the longer the object remains unmoved, the more the toxins build up and threaten this person's life.

The toxins accumulate to a point where, once the object is removed, they gush out of the area and are free to destroy the rest of the body; like a tourniquet when it snaps, the blood rushes from the site.

So now imagine these toxins not as physical pain or infection, but mental pain. Perhaps if when we are crushed and the object oppressing us is not removed for an extended period of time, our negative thoughts and emotions too begin to accumulate. The toxins build up, so that, even when that hindrance is removed and we think that we are ready to be free and happy, we are more at danger than ever. Just as I was ready to fly, I too have been shot down by the gush of these toxic thoughts. Overcome again by a tidal wave of negativity, I wonder, will I survive?

Choices.

Despite my most recent views on life being solely based on the scientific and sterile nature of our existence, at this moment in time I have taken the opportunity to stray from my deterministic viewpoint and step into the somewhat unfamiliar territory of a perspective based on free will. A logical person, I have always believed that much of what we get is set out for us; our biological make-up determines a considerable amount of our intellect, our personality and, dare-I-say, our attitude.

Eternally jealous I have always been of those who can reject the lemons that life throws at them and demand oranges instead; those whom I believed were “born with” a positive and resilient attitude. And while I trudged along a gloomy path of sadness and despair, I regretted that I was not born with that same strength.

But why should I? Part of me still believes that an element of attitude is pre-determined in our genetic make-up, but why should I be a slave to such bitter dispositions? We should not be passive in the way we think, we should feel empowered. If there is one thing I have finally learnt after 18 years, it is that attitude is everything. And although I spent many a day wishing and waiting for mine to change, I have now decided that enough is enough, and refuse to wait any longer. I was recently told that “we make our own luck” and I think after years of waiting I finally understand what this means.

Life may just be a void of time that we, carbon robots, fill with things to make it seem worthwhile, or maybe it is an opportunity to learn, to love and to live. We have so many options as to how we wish to view the world, and we are given a choice: to reject what lies before us and be miserable, or to take this opportunity, embrace it and be happy. It may not be easy or natural, but in the end, having a positive attitude is the only choice – at times it will be difficult, and at times in may not seem like enough, but ultimately, it must be.

“You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be.” ~ Chuck Palahniuk

To those who care,

I have gotten almost everything I wished for in this past month. I can hardly even dare to complain when everything has just landed on my doorstep. But inside, where no one can see, lay and still lies my one eternal wish that I want more than any of this. I could have lived without a high ATAR or getting into physio.. but without happiness, I don't want to live. I cannot and will not be a good captain if I can't even be positive towards myself. I don't know if my heart is in it anymore, because over the past few years I have felt less and less enjoyment from the sport I once loved with all my heart. What does one do when their biggest passion fails them? There no longer is any passion for anything, nor a desire to live like this. It hurts and has hurt for so very, very long - and although you can hear me, no one can take the pain away..

---> ! <---

I can't help but think that if my mother hadn't married my father, things might have been so different. In the unity of both my parents' genes, I have thought for a while that something went horrible wrong in my creation. That, despite being intelligent and compassionate people, by mixing their genes, they not only had a prodigy child but also an emotional and psychological disaster. Maybe two. People think I got it all; of late, I have considered myself very lucky that my intellect is such that i was able to achieve great things, even compared to many who worked much harder than myself. But now I am starting to believe quite the contrary. That perhaps things could have been so very different if those two gene pools hadn't met - that perhaps if I wasn't that 99.60 child that I may have, in fact, been worlds happier. Right now it hurts so very, very much. I do not know where the stress is coming from. I have resigned to the fact that LIFE IS WHAT IT IS and there is literally no way to defy the fact that our existene has no meaning whatsoever, and the only way to cope is to distract ourselves from the fact that it is just and empty void of time. All we can do is try to fill that void with things that make life seem okay, but, in reality, we will never succeed because in a void, things just fall through.

I wanted to escape
Because I didn't want to be the person I had made myself.
I wanted to disappear
Because I didn't want them to see that facade anymore.
I wanted to explore
Because I couldn't stand not knowing who I was.
I wanted to fly
Because I didn't want to go another day without feeling alive.

I wanted to travel
Because I thought it would be the same as vanishing for good.
Only, I realised, it would all happen the wrong way around.

If you walk out of someone's life,
They may cry from your loss,
Yet your pain grows with your existence.

So why is there no option
To let the pain subside
In the absence of tears?

Misery: n. a feeling of intense unhappiness.

I am alone and feel so very, very ill. I have not felt anything in a week. Rather than a new year and the successful completion of a diploma being a motivation to start afresh, a feel more stagnant than ever. I was once told that we are guaranteed of one thing in life: change. But in the past 5 years of my life, it has become increasingly apparent that we are not even guaranteed of this. Exactly what life is does not change. In a physical sense, it is merely time that we pass with any range of occupations. There is no spirtual meaning, for how could there be? We are products of science - mere mortals made up of tiny, little atoms. Life starts when we are born, and then proceeds as a ticking timer thats rings with our death as we are burnt to ashes and returned to the earth. I find myself, once again, toying with the thought of letting my timer ring early and putting myself out of this undue misery; unfortunately though, I am not even in control of this.

The passing of the beloved mother of my friend suddenly thrust the reality of death in my face. To lose someone so suddenly, so unexpectedly and so tragically made me realise I could never, ever inflict that sort of pain upon anyone that I love. I have expended so many tears in the past few days, for the pain of her death, for the numbness of my life, and above anything, the utter hopelessness of the fact that I have no choice but to stay here.

What life is doesn't change. An unmoved attitude after 5 years offers little prosperity. I am trapped right where I am. Will I honestly be miserable forever?

The higher you fly, the harder you fall.

There isn't any meaning and there never will be. It is that goddamn simple. Life is just time filled with things: things we enjoy and things we hate; emotions that make us, and emotions that ruin us; people who give us the delusion that we are not alone living a meaningless existence, and people who remind us that we don't have any reason to be here. There is nothing here. There is no reason that we are here nor is there a reason to stay here. We are an accumulation of particles occupying time and space - nothing more. Emotion and feeling are caused by chemicals in one's brain and our differences are not in our thoughts or behaviours, but our mere biology. We are so very complex, but in the end, we are, at the core of our existence, a product of science. Biology, physics and chemistry combine to make us: manufactured carbon robots. We see things and feel things, but nothing will change the fact that the period between our birth and death is insignificant, meaningless and will have no impact on the world. I will never truly be happy, nor will I make anyone truly happy. Perhaps some of us can justify our existence with a feeling of contentment, yet I am certain that I am eternally devoid of this delusional virtue.