I am alone and feel so very, very ill. I have not felt anything in a week. Rather than a new year and the successful completion of a diploma being a motivation to start afresh, a feel more stagnant than ever. I was once told that we are guaranteed of one thing in life: change. But in the past 5 years of my life, it has become increasingly apparent that we are not even guaranteed of this. Exactly what life is does not change. In a physical sense, it is merely time that we pass with any range of occupations. There is no spirtual meaning, for how could there be? We are products of science - mere mortals made up of tiny, little atoms. Life starts when we are born, and then proceeds as a ticking timer thats rings with our death as we are burnt to ashes and returned to the earth. I find myself, once again, toying with the thought of letting my timer ring early and putting myself out of this undue misery; unfortunately though, I am not even in control of this.
The passing of the beloved mother of my friend suddenly thrust the reality of death in my face. To lose someone so suddenly, so unexpectedly and so tragically made me realise I could never, ever inflict that sort of pain upon anyone that I love. I have expended so many tears in the past few days, for the pain of her death, for the numbness of my life, and above anything, the utter hopelessness of the fact that I have no choice but to stay here.
What life is doesn't change. An unmoved attitude after 5 years offers little prosperity. I am trapped right where I am. Will I honestly be miserable forever?
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