Sunday 18 July 2010
Untitled
All I want more than anything right now is to just say everything. I think perhaps I feel like this will relieve the pain, but at the same time I am not foolish enough to believe that it really will. I just want someone to know everything, but I don't even know if I can express it. I guess this is just a brief synopsis. I wish someone could see or understand how much it really hurts inside. How much I am really struggling under a mountain of stress and expectation. How lost I feel in a huge maze of confusion. I wish someone could spend just a moment inside my mind to see what I truly think of myself, of the world, and of life. How pointless it all seems, how worthless I feel and how hopeless I feel for the future. My body feels like lead and any action, physical or mental, feels like a drain of energy I just don't have. I wish someone could see that this is nothing new... that this has been over 4 years of feeling like this, on and off, and I just want it to stop. I wish someone knew how alone I feel even in the company of friends, and how much I fear being alone because I don't want to be trapped with my thoughts. I wish there wasn't such a gap between the exhiliration of company and the loneliness of being by myself. I wish I could be happy with who and what I am, instead of resenting everything I have become. I wish I could live up to the ideals that I preach so adamently - but instead I live in the past and the future, never the present, and let life just pass me by. I am scared that one day I will look back and wonder what I did with my life, because I know this is inevitable. I wish I felt I had control over these stupid things. I wish I could stop wishing and start living. I want everyone to be able to see the pain, yet at the same time I spend most of my energy concealing it from others - it is only as I begin to feel more sick and tired that it has begun to creep into others' attention because I can no longer hide it. I hate myself for that too. I wish you could see how much I fear the future. I wish you could see how much I resent myself for being exactly who I am, or perhaps for being exactly who I am not. I wish someone could see just how much I don't fucking care anymore - that I have lost every piece of achievement that I once had and every inch of success that I once was. That there is no longer any remnant of motivation left in me. I wish you could see the tears that well in my eyes when I realise I have to get up and face another day. I wish the internal pain was external - that someone could see the way my insides are worn away beyond repair. I wish someone knew just how much I no longer want to be here, and how often and realistically I ponder this reality. I wish I believed I wasn't beyond saving, but I am ready to give up. I think the fear of continuing to live is greater than that of dying; it simply seems to be a decision of the better of two evils. But I have uttered these words to myself so many times that it is just an empty threat, perhaps that is also what scares me.. even after this, life will go on, unchanged. It always has. After all, now everyone can see... why does it still hurt so much?
Sedecim
Someone once told me that self-esteem can be likened to a cup. There are moments in our lives where people say things that make us feel appreciated, loved, worthy and brilliant - filling our cup right up to the brim until we are almost overflowing with positive self-regard and self-love. On the other hand, sometimes there are times when people suck out our cup's contents with derogatory remarks or unkind comments that make us feel worthless. However, despite these ebs and flows, the cup maintains a sort of dynamic equilibrium, whereby the level may drop or rise occasionally, but generally returns to a constant point - a default level of self-esteem.
The analogy continues.
The danger is when there is a hole in the cup. When this happens, that default level of self-esteem is destroyed as the contents of the cup are continually lost to the environment. The only way for this person to sustain any level of self-acceptance is to have a constant flow entering their cup to compensate its rapidly diminishing contents. But people don't tell you you're brilliant all the time, because they assume that you already know that. People don't repeatedly tell you that you're fantastic, because it isn't deemed necessary - because you shouldn't need to be perpetually told.
People cannot see and do not understand why you fail to sustain that state of equilibrium - that default level of self-esteem.
The key to changing this is to fill up that hole: take those pieces of meaning that you have found here or there, and plug it up; collect the evidence that you are okay and place them in that hole; reflect on what you are worth and realise that you are someone special. The only problem is, this is much easier said than done; you are in control, only it rarely ever feels like that.
The analogy continues.
The danger is when there is a hole in the cup. When this happens, that default level of self-esteem is destroyed as the contents of the cup are continually lost to the environment. The only way for this person to sustain any level of self-acceptance is to have a constant flow entering their cup to compensate its rapidly diminishing contents. But people don't tell you you're brilliant all the time, because they assume that you already know that. People don't repeatedly tell you that you're fantastic, because it isn't deemed necessary - because you shouldn't need to be perpetually told.
People cannot see and do not understand why you fail to sustain that state of equilibrium - that default level of self-esteem.
The key to changing this is to fill up that hole: take those pieces of meaning that you have found here or there, and plug it up; collect the evidence that you are okay and place them in that hole; reflect on what you are worth and realise that you are someone special. The only problem is, this is much easier said than done; you are in control, only it rarely ever feels like that.
Friday 16 July 2010
Oh precious time, where did you go?
Oh precious time, where did you go?
I do not know.
The hands no longer tick so slow.
Arrested, life has lost its flow.
Oppressed beneath this heavy snow
Lie dreams and hopes that will not grow.
Frozen, stunted years ago.
They'll never rise, they'll never show.
A light of hope ceases to glow.
Searching, waiting.
High and low.
To and fro.
Head to toe.
The crying crow, the destined woe, the fatal blow.
I ask myself: How long to go?
To tell the truth, I do not know.
I do not know.
The hands no longer tick so slow.
Arrested, life has lost its flow.
Oppressed beneath this heavy snow
Lie dreams and hopes that will not grow.
Frozen, stunted years ago.
They'll never rise, they'll never show.
A light of hope ceases to glow.
Searching, waiting.
High and low.
To and fro.
Head to toe.
The crying crow, the destined woe, the fatal blow.
I ask myself: How long to go?
To tell the truth, I do not know.
The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920.
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Untitled
I never planned to be alone.
I don't think anyone ever plans to be alone.
In the end, it's one of those things
That just...
Happen.
Quindecim
Out of control. To gain control. Controllability. In control. Lose control. Control oneself. Birth control. Control panel. To have control over. Locus of control. To take control. Control group. Remote control. Control freak.
Do you ever feel overwhelmed by an inability to control what is happening around you? The things that occur in your life, your environment, and even your own mind, all seem to become externally determined by forces you have no control over. In life, there are things in life that we can control, and there are things that we cannot. What is important, is that we utilise the things that we do have control over to help ourselves deal with the things over which we hold little power. I am told time and time again that we are in control of ourselves - our actions, our thoughts and our feelings, and these factors are all interelated. However I feel that it is one thing to say we always have control, but it is an entirely different thing to truly believe it or feel empowered by this ability.
What happens when we feel we can't control what is happening? We panic, we become frightened and above all, we feel utterly powerless. For me, the tears well up in my eyes, a lump is formed at the back of my throat and I want nothing more than to simply give up. When we are coping, we believe in our ability to handle a situation, confident that our actions will elicit a positive outcome. When we are hopeless, we lead ourselves to believe that any action we take will have a negative consequence. But when we are helpless, this is the biggest danger of all; when we are helpless, we feel that no matter how hard we try or how longingly we wish, our actions have no affect on our circumstances.
When we talk about control, planning and the future, people can be broken down into two categories - people who focus on the details, and those who focus on the big picture. Where people take an overall view, they concentrate on what they want as the end result and are good at planning and deciding how they want things to turn out, but often fail to see the small details along the way. When these people are struck by unexpected changes, their idealistic plans become tainted, damaged or destroyed.
When we live too far ahead in the future and decide how things should be, the implications are that, if things do not turn out the way we hoped or planned, we become bitterly disappointed, feeling like something has been taken away from us, despite the fact that we never possessed it in the first place. When we talk about things we can control, the fundamentals are ourselves and the present moment. Once we take control of these things, then we can begin to shape the world around us.
Thursday 15 July 2010
Insignificant: adj. Having little or no meaning. (Oct. 07)
Is it right that someone should feel so insignificant?
A grain of sand on the beach,
A drop of water in the ocean,
A star in the night sky.
One of many, not noticed by the onlooker
Only singled out for its weaknesses
But never its strengths.
Just waiting for someone to notice it.
Appreciate it.
A dull star in the night sky is never noticed when compared to the luminescent moon,
Why should I go on when I am the smallest star among so many?
A grain of sand on the beach,
A drop of water in the ocean,
A star in the night sky.
One of many, not noticed by the onlooker
Only singled out for its weaknesses
But never its strengths.
Just waiting for someone to notice it.
Appreciate it.
A dull star in the night sky is never noticed when compared to the luminescent moon,
Why should I go on when I am the smallest star among so many?
Thursday 8 July 2010
The Little Things...
Inspired by Frank's latest note...
"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." A work in progress.
Once when I was talking with someone about my unsuccessful and frustrating search for meaning, they told me that perhaps I was looking for something too big. Maybe meaning comes from lots of little things, rather than one, big, profound discovery.
one Going for runs while listening to music.
two Sitting on the front porch at night time breathing in the air.
three Playing piano and singing along.
four Sitting in the sun listening to music.
five Taking the dog for a walk down to the park.
six Snuggling up on the coach watching soppy romance movies.
seven Doing homework on a cold day, drinking a hot cup of Green Tea.
eight The sound of rain on my skylight at nighttime.
nine When the moon is perfectly above my skylight and it shines onto my bed at night.
ten Bright city lights on a dark night.
eleven Inspirational quotes.
twelve Being able to rejoice in other people's happiness.
thirteen Eating pizza at school on weekends with the best of friends.
fourteen Ice cream, cookies and creme brulee chocolate - all mixed in one.
fifteen The wind.
sixteen When your iPod plays your favourite song on shuffle.
seventeen A beautiful view - city lights, nature, anything..
eighteen Laughing until your stomach muscles hurt.
nineteen Waking up and realising it's the weekend.
twenty Watching / listening to amazing pianists play piano.
twenty-one Running in the rain.
twenty-two A tidy bedroom.
twenty-three Singing in the shower.
twenty-four Making other people smile.
twenty-five Ticking off something on your to-do list.
twenty-six Staying up all night talking.
twenty-seven Picnics.
twenty-eight Playing a good game of netball.
twenty-nine Dancing to music in shop changerooms.
thirty Sleepovers
thirty-one In Titanic, whenever "My Heart Will Go On" starts playing..
thirty-two Going to bed and falling asleep straight away.
thirty-three The sound the computer makes when you pull out a USB
"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." A work in progress.
Once when I was talking with someone about my unsuccessful and frustrating search for meaning, they told me that perhaps I was looking for something too big. Maybe meaning comes from lots of little things, rather than one, big, profound discovery.
one Going for runs while listening to music.
two Sitting on the front porch at night time breathing in the air.
three Playing piano and singing along.
four Sitting in the sun listening to music.
five Taking the dog for a walk down to the park.
six Snuggling up on the coach watching soppy romance movies.
seven Doing homework on a cold day, drinking a hot cup of Green Tea.
eight The sound of rain on my skylight at nighttime.
nine When the moon is perfectly above my skylight and it shines onto my bed at night.
ten Bright city lights on a dark night.
eleven Inspirational quotes.
twelve Being able to rejoice in other people's happiness.
thirteen Eating pizza at school on weekends with the best of friends.
fourteen Ice cream, cookies and creme brulee chocolate - all mixed in one.
fifteen The wind.
sixteen When your iPod plays your favourite song on shuffle.
seventeen A beautiful view - city lights, nature, anything..
eighteen Laughing until your stomach muscles hurt.
nineteen Waking up and realising it's the weekend.
twenty Watching / listening to amazing pianists play piano.
twenty-one Running in the rain.
twenty-two A tidy bedroom.
twenty-three Singing in the shower.
twenty-four Making other people smile.
twenty-five Ticking off something on your to-do list.
twenty-six Staying up all night talking.
twenty-seven Picnics.
twenty-eight Playing a good game of netball.
twenty-nine Dancing to music in shop changerooms.
thirty Sleepovers
thirty-one In Titanic, whenever "My Heart Will Go On" starts playing..
thirty-two Going to bed and falling asleep straight away.
thirty-three The sound the computer makes when you pull out a USB
Wednesday 7 July 2010
Quattuordecim
I once knew someone who, when asked what their biggest motivation was, replied that it came from having people not believe in them - in short, to be told that they couldn't do something. After all, what greater incentive is there than to prove someone wrong? I think as humans - often stubborn and self-righteous creatures, as I know I am - we derive some sort of pleasure in knowing that we are right, proving other people wrong, and more than anything, achieving what was once believed to be impossible. I think breaking boundaries has to be one of the most fundamental bases of advancement and breakthroughs; being innovative and courageous enough to not just test limits, but step outside and beyond them. These limits are set for us by other people when they tell us that we are not capable of things, yet for the greatest people I have met in my life so far, these only set a benchmark which must be achieved and surpassed.
I personally recall two exemplary examples of this:
Dan Ryan dreamed to become one of the best male netballers that the game has ever seen. Despite making his first Victorian team around the age of 14, he was told that he was too short and would never make a national team as a goaler. With a desire to follow a dream and prove the selectors wrong, this netballer went on to captain Australia, never once being played outside the position of goal attack, all the time thinking "Don't tell me what i cant do, let me show you what i can do".
Rufus Black dreamed to study at Oxford University, only to be told in Year 9 that his dyslexia was so bad that he wouldn't even pass his final Year 12 exams. A little over a decade later the only criticism in the Oxford University examiners report on his doctorate was “that there were a few more spellings mistakes than usual”. What did he say? "Don’t let anyone ever tell you you can’t".
These stories provide me with inspiration beyond belief, but as I have considered my own life, I find myself, for the majority of the time, at the opposite end of the spectrum. Highly able, loaded with potential, and burdened with a superfluity of expectation. Whereas these individuals found themselves confronted by external lack of belief, I find myself straining under and overwhelming forcefield of pressure from every direction. Even if no-one says anything, I can feel it. Even if no-one thinks anything, I do. There is no escaping - it is outside me and within me. I have a wealth of people that believe in me, but I am beginning to think that perhaps that is more detrimental than having no one believe in you at all. If there is no belief, all you can do is exceed expectations. If people expect greatness from you, surely you are destined to fall short...
I personally recall two exemplary examples of this:
Dan Ryan dreamed to become one of the best male netballers that the game has ever seen. Despite making his first Victorian team around the age of 14, he was told that he was too short and would never make a national team as a goaler. With a desire to follow a dream and prove the selectors wrong, this netballer went on to captain Australia, never once being played outside the position of goal attack, all the time thinking "Don't tell me what i cant do, let me show you what i can do".
Rufus Black dreamed to study at Oxford University, only to be told in Year 9 that his dyslexia was so bad that he wouldn't even pass his final Year 12 exams. A little over a decade later the only criticism in the Oxford University examiners report on his doctorate was “that there were a few more spellings mistakes than usual”. What did he say? "Don’t let anyone ever tell you you can’t".
These stories provide me with inspiration beyond belief, but as I have considered my own life, I find myself, for the majority of the time, at the opposite end of the spectrum. Highly able, loaded with potential, and burdened with a superfluity of expectation. Whereas these individuals found themselves confronted by external lack of belief, I find myself straining under and overwhelming forcefield of pressure from every direction. Even if no-one says anything, I can feel it. Even if no-one thinks anything, I do. There is no escaping - it is outside me and within me. I have a wealth of people that believe in me, but I am beginning to think that perhaps that is more detrimental than having no one believe in you at all. If there is no belief, all you can do is exceed expectations. If people expect greatness from you, surely you are destined to fall short...
A reflection of myself or society? (Feb. 09)
I look in the mirror
And don’t recognise the person staring back at me
At least I don’t want to.
I can’t tell
What is real
And what is not.
My eyes work
What is real
And what is not.
My eyes work
But my mind doesn’t
The image changes
From minute to minute
Day to day
Week to week
One day is fat
And one day is skinny
Yet there is no physical difference
Between these two figures
Just in my mind
I can’t see myself
I don’t know myself
My mind is the obstacle
I will never be skinny,
Happy.
Beginning to live...
As quickly as it began, it now draws itself to a close. Two followers, 23 posts and a single month later, I have come to the realisation that to "suck the marrow out of life" means living it and engaging in the world, rather than mere rhetoric about the ebbs and flows of life. How can one seize the day while typing into a computer, onto a blog that nobody reads? Without trying to sound excessively ignorant, I am simply too young to be wasting these precious times pondering questions beyond my years. Perhaps in time I will be back, but for now, I cannot live whilst being stuck inside my own head with my own thoughts. I should be out interacting with the world, enjoying the company of friends and family, learning the lessons of life and discovering who I am and what my place is in the world.
Thank you for reading - maybe I will be back one day, but as long as I am not writing, I plan to be actively living in the real world rather than passively succumbing to the luring trap of a blog spot.
"They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary."
John Keating, Dead Poets Society
Thank you for reading - maybe I will be back one day, but as long as I am not writing, I plan to be actively living in the real world rather than passively succumbing to the luring trap of a blog spot.
"They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary."
John Keating, Dead Poets Society
Tuesday 6 July 2010
Tredecim
Did you ever blame people for not hearing your inaudible cries?
For not seeing your invisible signs?
For not grabbing onto a hand you didn't reach out?
I did.
I still do.
Just because you couldn't hear, see or hold me
Did you ever consider, that perhaps
You simply weren't standing close enough?
For not seeing your invisible signs?
For not grabbing onto a hand you didn't reach out?
I did.
I still do.
Just because you couldn't hear, see or hold me
Did you ever consider, that perhaps
You simply weren't standing close enough?
The real danger...
The real danger that comes from loneliness is your mind being left alone, your thoughts crystallize. You can draw yourself farther and farther down the rabbit hole, strange thoughts appear and can soon become the norm. This can be good in a way, you can find out what you believe and think without the influence of “society”, you can start to question basic assumptions about how people operate. You can, if you observe others, learn a lot. However... your mind tends to grow darker. As socially evolved animals we crave some sort of social stimulation, though the amount differs between individuals.
...Perhaps there’s such a thing as too much socialization, too much mask wearing because after all with the majority of people we have to wear some sort of mask. Sure it can be extremely thin at times but its still there, weighing on the soul like a lead elephant.
SJ Smith
...Perhaps there’s such a thing as too much socialization, too much mask wearing because after all with the majority of people we have to wear some sort of mask. Sure it can be extremely thin at times but its still there, weighing on the soul like a lead elephant.
SJ Smith
How would you react if someone told you...
"Embrace the complete void between illusion and reality"
"Accept that life isnt all that is promised"
"Yes life sucks, but it sucks less when you stop comparing it to fiction"
Duodecim
Among so many different philosophies, I think somewhere in the middle of these blurred and uncertain ideals, the meaning of our lives is centred around making a difference. We speak of having fun and seizing the day, no doubt admirable and essential values... but in the bigger picture, what is the point of ever having been if you will not be remembered? If you had no impact? If your existence made no difference?
What difference will I make? We look at the world around us and it is hard not to be overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness, when we feel the world is so destined to tragedy, unfairness and cruelty - with undeniable evidence of global warming, warfare and social injustices - to a point where it feels like there is no tangible solution. In a world of 6.6 million people, who am to think I can make any significant difference? A single fish in the sea... a needle in a haystack... as I stop, stand back and observe, the world continues on around me, unaffected...
Maybe it is too much to expect we can change the world: but does it matter if we make a difference in many lives or just one life? Maybe it doesn't. To change the life of one person - that is significant. Think about someone who has changed your life and how much that means to you. One or many lives... it all counts and it is all important.
So how do we make a difference in someone else's life? Someone once told me that the key is to be yourself. Let people be inspired by who you are. Everyone is different, everyone views the world differently and everyone has unique needs. Someone needs you just the way you are, so let yourself shine: perhaps it is possible to inspire others by simply being you. I think my biggest fear is that perhaps, it is not.
You made a world of difference to my life, so why couldn't I affect yours?
Yet even if I did make a difference in just one life, it would never be enough. I would want more - to affect two, three, four lives. To affect one hundred lives. To change the world. And again, just as she nears achievement, the perfectionist pushes her goals further out of reach. But for now, this is enough, because it must be... bigger and better things lie ahead...
What difference will I make? We look at the world around us and it is hard not to be overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness, when we feel the world is so destined to tragedy, unfairness and cruelty - with undeniable evidence of global warming, warfare and social injustices - to a point where it feels like there is no tangible solution. In a world of 6.6 million people, who am to think I can make any significant difference? A single fish in the sea... a needle in a haystack... as I stop, stand back and observe, the world continues on around me, unaffected...
Maybe it is too much to expect we can change the world: but does it matter if we make a difference in many lives or just one life? Maybe it doesn't. To change the life of one person - that is significant. Think about someone who has changed your life and how much that means to you. One or many lives... it all counts and it is all important.
So how do we make a difference in someone else's life? Someone once told me that the key is to be yourself. Let people be inspired by who you are. Everyone is different, everyone views the world differently and everyone has unique needs. Someone needs you just the way you are, so let yourself shine: perhaps it is possible to inspire others by simply being you. I think my biggest fear is that perhaps, it is not.
You made a world of difference to my life, so why couldn't I affect yours?
Yet even if I did make a difference in just one life, it would never be enough. I would want more - to affect two, three, four lives. To affect one hundred lives. To change the world. And again, just as she nears achievement, the perfectionist pushes her goals further out of reach. But for now, this is enough, because it must be... bigger and better things lie ahead...
Look me in the eye...
Look me in the eye.
It's okay if you're scared.
So am I.
But we're scared for different reasons.
I'm scared of what I won't become.
And you're scared of what I could become.
Look at me.
I won't let myself end where I started.
I won't let myself finish where I began.
I know what is within me, even if you can't see it yet.
Look me in the eyes.
I have something more important than courage.
I have patience.
I will become what I know I am.
Michael Jordan
It's okay if you're scared.
So am I.
But we're scared for different reasons.
I'm scared of what I won't become.
And you're scared of what I could become.
Look at me.
I won't let myself end where I started.
I won't let myself finish where I began.
I know what is within me, even if you can't see it yet.
Look me in the eyes.
I have something more important than courage.
I have patience.
I will become what I know I am.
Michael Jordan
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