Septendecim

Although part of me likes to believe that humanistic psychology is the load of bullshit that everyone says it is, the past week has seen me experience first-hand Maslow's theoretical concept of the Heirarchy of Needs. A sudden contraction of some ghastly virus combined with a depleted immune system saw my health take a turn for the worse. Overcome by a sore throat, running nose and hacking cough, my priority was not schoolwork, relationships or asking big questions, but rather, getting better again. With my most basic surival needs not being met, everything else was omitted from the picture. Although being run-down and feeling terrible, things were, in a way, good. When we are stripped down to our very core necessities, there need be no other preoccupations. After all, who would worry about the meaning of life when they are busy trying to keep themselves well?

Still on a trail of recovery, it's not like I'm particularly happy or sad, but at the moment, this isn't the biggest priority. Happiness, sadness, meaning, solving global problems - that isn't the focus. The focus is the basics. And how much more content are we all when we strip things back down to simplicity. Although it is important not to perpetually see it as a burden, as we grow up things not only become more interesting, but also more complicated and difficult. Lying on the couch watching movies for two days reminded me of being sick in primary school, staying home and doing exactly the same thing. Nostalgia. But wasn't it nice to just visit those days where no one had a care in the world?

So it made me think. Maybe sometimes we just need to strip things back. Perhaps an overindulgence in the meaning of life and one's place in the world isn't can be not only a virtue, but an impairment. Who would have thought that consciousness could in fact be the danger; that perhaps sickness is the cure and that the disease is really in being fully conscious. Of the world, of yourself, and the insignificance of the role you play. We strive for self-actualisation and for understanding, but who said that being so trapped in consciousness was a good thing?

Me.

I should have stopped comparing myself to others years ago.

I cannot write. Think.

Plain. Uninteresting. The epitome of boring.

But that's me.

I cannot be what I am not.

Compassion: n. More vigorous than empathy, the feeling commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering.

To varying degrees, every day of my life is a struggle. In line with Buddhist belief, life is suffering. Whether it is sitting at the forefront of my brain, or is buried beneath a mountain of other preoccupations, the question "What am I doing here?" never ceases to challenge me. Over many years of trying to answer this question, I have expanded my knowledge on life, on people, and also on Buddhist beliefs. A recurring theme in my quest for meaning in my life is that of compassion; surely our lives have significance that stretches beyond ourselves. To genuinely care about others, to do well by others, but most importantly, to have a true desire to relieve others of pain and suffering; to me, this is the essence of our lives. Sometimes it takes a bit of reminding to look past ourselves, but in my opinion, the more we can do this, the more meaning our own lives hold.

The superfluous use of this word in our day to day life has meant that its power and true meaning has gradually been diluted, so here I present to you, some of the Dalai Lama's views on compassion:

"Compassion can be roughly defined in terms of a state of mind that is non-violent, non-harming and non-aggressive. It is a mental attitude based on the wish for others to be free of their suffering and is associated with a sense of commitment, responsibility and respect towards the other"

"Genuine compassion is based on the rationale that all human beings have an innate desire to be happy and overcome suffering"

"In one sense one could define compassion as the feeling of unbearableness at the sight of other people's suffering, other sentient beings' suffering.

"In generating compassion, when you are taking on another's suffering, you may also initially experience a certain degree of discomfort, a sense of uncomfortableness or unbearableness. But in the case of compassion, the feeling is much different; underlying the uncomfortable feeling is a very high level of alertness and determination because you are voluntarily and deliberately accepting another's suffering for a higher purpose. There is a feeling of connectedness and commitment, a willingness to reach out to others, a feeling of freshness rather than dullness"

Beautiful: adj. pleasing to the eye or mind especially through beauty or charm.

Did you ever just want to be beautiful? For just one night, one hour, or even one minute, to be absolutely gorgeous and feel like you looked a million dollars? I did. For just one night, I wanted to be beautiful. Of course beauty isn't solely about aesthetics - I am a true believer in the saying 'Beauty isn't skin deep' and genuinely think that personality has a significant influence on one's attractiveness. The only problem right now is that I feel I possess neither - I could not detest myself more: my selfishness, laziness, self-centredness, stupidity, superficiality, lack of consideration, lack of courage, negativity, self-pity, conformity, weakness and finally for being so effing judgemental. And I'm sure I've missed something. In short, neither personality nor looks is on my side.

So for one night I just wanted to be beautiful. Perhaps not even for other people to perceive so, but for myself to. I wanted to be able to love myself for one stupid little night. To look back at photos and say, 'Look, you are beautiful'.

Just. One. Night.

Was this too much to ask?

Apparently so.