To those who care,

I have gotten almost everything I wished for in this past month. I can hardly even dare to complain when everything has just landed on my doorstep. But inside, where no one can see, lay and still lies my one eternal wish that I want more than any of this. I could have lived without a high ATAR or getting into physio.. but without happiness, I don't want to live. I cannot and will not be a good captain if I can't even be positive towards myself. I don't know if my heart is in it anymore, because over the past few years I have felt less and less enjoyment from the sport I once loved with all my heart. What does one do when their biggest passion fails them? There no longer is any passion for anything, nor a desire to live like this. It hurts and has hurt for so very, very long - and although you can hear me, no one can take the pain away..

---> ! <---

I can't help but think that if my mother hadn't married my father, things might have been so different. In the unity of both my parents' genes, I have thought for a while that something went horrible wrong in my creation. That, despite being intelligent and compassionate people, by mixing their genes, they not only had a prodigy child but also an emotional and psychological disaster. Maybe two. People think I got it all; of late, I have considered myself very lucky that my intellect is such that i was able to achieve great things, even compared to many who worked much harder than myself. But now I am starting to believe quite the contrary. That perhaps things could have been so very different if those two gene pools hadn't met - that perhaps if I wasn't that 99.60 child that I may have, in fact, been worlds happier. Right now it hurts so very, very much. I do not know where the stress is coming from. I have resigned to the fact that LIFE IS WHAT IT IS and there is literally no way to defy the fact that our existene has no meaning whatsoever, and the only way to cope is to distract ourselves from the fact that it is just and empty void of time. All we can do is try to fill that void with things that make life seem okay, but, in reality, we will never succeed because in a void, things just fall through.

I wanted to escape
Because I didn't want to be the person I had made myself.
I wanted to disappear
Because I didn't want them to see that facade anymore.
I wanted to explore
Because I couldn't stand not knowing who I was.
I wanted to fly
Because I didn't want to go another day without feeling alive.

I wanted to travel
Because I thought it would be the same as vanishing for good.
Only, I realised, it would all happen the wrong way around.

If you walk out of someone's life,
They may cry from your loss,
Yet your pain grows with your existence.

So why is there no option
To let the pain subside
In the absence of tears?

Misery: n. a feeling of intense unhappiness.

I am alone and feel so very, very ill. I have not felt anything in a week. Rather than a new year and the successful completion of a diploma being a motivation to start afresh, a feel more stagnant than ever. I was once told that we are guaranteed of one thing in life: change. But in the past 5 years of my life, it has become increasingly apparent that we are not even guaranteed of this. Exactly what life is does not change. In a physical sense, it is merely time that we pass with any range of occupations. There is no spirtual meaning, for how could there be? We are products of science - mere mortals made up of tiny, little atoms. Life starts when we are born, and then proceeds as a ticking timer thats rings with our death as we are burnt to ashes and returned to the earth. I find myself, once again, toying with the thought of letting my timer ring early and putting myself out of this undue misery; unfortunately though, I am not even in control of this.

The passing of the beloved mother of my friend suddenly thrust the reality of death in my face. To lose someone so suddenly, so unexpectedly and so tragically made me realise I could never, ever inflict that sort of pain upon anyone that I love. I have expended so many tears in the past few days, for the pain of her death, for the numbness of my life, and above anything, the utter hopelessness of the fact that I have no choice but to stay here.

What life is doesn't change. An unmoved attitude after 5 years offers little prosperity. I am trapped right where I am. Will I honestly be miserable forever?

The higher you fly, the harder you fall.

There isn't any meaning and there never will be. It is that goddamn simple. Life is just time filled with things: things we enjoy and things we hate; emotions that make us, and emotions that ruin us; people who give us the delusion that we are not alone living a meaningless existence, and people who remind us that we don't have any reason to be here. There is nothing here. There is no reason that we are here nor is there a reason to stay here. We are an accumulation of particles occupying time and space - nothing more. Emotion and feeling are caused by chemicals in one's brain and our differences are not in our thoughts or behaviours, but our mere biology. We are so very complex, but in the end, we are, at the core of our existence, a product of science. Biology, physics and chemistry combine to make us: manufactured carbon robots. We see things and feel things, but nothing will change the fact that the period between our birth and death is insignificant, meaningless and will have no impact on the world. I will never truly be happy, nor will I make anyone truly happy. Perhaps some of us can justify our existence with a feeling of contentment, yet I am certain that I am eternally devoid of this delusional virtue.