Lost hope.

I want to rage. To hit someone, to hurt someone. I want to cry. To fall apart into a million pieces never to be put back together. I want to punch myself in the brain, to beat myself repeatedly. I want to break anything I hold. I want to release, to exhale after each breath and to relax every tensing muscle. I want to be free. I want to be able to sustain any given emotion for more than a few minutes. I don't want to think anymore, to analyse anymore. I cannot handle consciousness. I want internal to be external. Incessant thought, incessant processing and incessant rationalisation every second of the day is killing me. I am lost. My identity is in ruins. I don't know who I am, and anything I do know I detest. I don't want to be who I am, yet I do not even know what that is. I want to look in the mirror and be able to tell myself that I am okay. I want to open my mouth and believe that the words coming out are worth hearing. To say things to people not only so they listen, but so they care. To inspire. I want to stop caring what other people think, yet this seems to contradict the image I have built of myself. Have I ever done something not to please someone else? I simultaneously desire and detest perfection. Why do I have to care about everything. To analyse everything. To solve everything and feel responsible every damn second of my life. Could I not have been made blind to the issues the world faces? Why must I feel that every problem - big or small - was and is somehow my responsibility to resolve? And why did I ever try to believe I could change anything? The world is a shithole, but what are we going to do about it. I am small, and while I want to believe in myself and in change, I feel powerless. Powerless over myself and over others. I do not believe in myself because I do not like, admire or know who I am. All I know is that I am not who I want to be. In truth and sincerity, I cannot help but think, there is no hope.