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All I want more than anything right now is to just say everything. I think perhaps I feel like this will relieve the pain, but at the same time I am not foolish enough to believe that it really will. I just want someone to know everything, but I don't even know if I can express it. I guess this is just a brief synopsis. I wish someone could see or understand how much it really hurts inside. How much I am really struggling under a mountain of stress and expectation. How lost I feel in a huge maze of confusion. I wish someone could spend just a moment inside my mind to see what I truly think of myself, of the world, and of life. How pointless it all seems, how worthless I feel and how hopeless I feel for the future. My body feels like lead and any action, physical or mental, feels like a drain of energy I just don't have. I wish someone could see that this is nothing new... that this has been over 4 years of feeling like this, on and off, and I just want it to stop. I wish someone knew how alone I feel even in the company of friends, and how much I fear being alone because I don't want to be trapped with my thoughts. I wish there wasn't such a gap between the exhiliration of company and the loneliness of being by myself. I wish I could be happy with who and what I am, instead of resenting everything I have become. I wish I could live up to the ideals that I preach so adamently - but instead I live in the past and the future, never the present, and let life just pass me by. I am scared that one day I will look back and wonder what I did with my life, because I know this is inevitable. I wish I felt I had control over these stupid things. I wish I could stop wishing and start living. I want everyone to be able to see the pain, yet at the same time I spend most of my energy concealing it from others - it is only as I begin to feel more sick and tired that it has begun to creep into others' attention because I can no longer hide it. I hate myself for that too. I wish you could see how much I fear the future. I wish you could see how much I resent myself for being exactly who I am, or perhaps for being exactly who I am not. I wish someone could see just how much I don't fucking care anymore - that I have lost every piece of achievement that I once had and every inch of success that I once was. That there is no longer any remnant of motivation left in me. I wish you could see the tears that well in my eyes when I realise I have to get up and face another day. I wish the internal pain was external - that someone could see the way my insides are worn away beyond repair. I wish someone knew just how much I no longer want to be here, and how often and realistically I ponder this reality. I wish I believed I wasn't beyond saving, but I am ready to give up. I think the fear of continuing to live is greater than that of dying; it simply seems to be a decision of the better of two evils. But I have uttered these words to myself so many times that it is just an empty threat, perhaps that is also what scares me.. even after this, life will go on, unchanged. It always has. After all, now everyone can see... why does it still hurt so much?