Quinque

I don't know if I can write this like all my other notes. There is no desire for it to be perfect or even good. I have not the energy to craft words in creative sentences or poetic resonations. This is raw; straight from my heart and from my mind. When I play netball it only ever seems that you are able to give one hundred percent when your team is down or you are reaching the dying seconds of the game. How relatable this is to life, that it isn't until the end is near and real that we truly appreciate its beauty; that we try our best to make the most of it. Of course it isn't fair to make a generalisation - there lives a significant population that adopt a carefree and vital attitude. What hurts the most is to see these people diagnosed with terminal illness, because honestly, they already know how to live. They live every day as if it was their last anyway. These are not the people that need to be reminded or subjected to this reality. I do not naively wish such misfortune upon myself, but perhaps what I do hope for is some sort of slap in the face to say that this won't last forever. Life won't last forever. And being 17 certainly won't last forever. You only get one shot at a lot of things and it almost seems like there is pressure to enjoy everything while it lasts. So perhaps it is not really that suprising that a sense of guilt is evoked when you don't. So often we are reminded to "seize the day" and "live as if you'll die tomorrow", only to feel dejected once you realise that you aren't. I love these inspirational quotes, but sometimes I feel I am only using these to fill a gap that shouldn't be there; like I can't live and breathe such ideas myself, so I have to look to other people for this sort of attitude. As long as I depend on others to tell me to live life to the fullest, I cannot be an inspiration; to myself, to anyone. I utter the words, but it is not until I can devote my existence to them that they mean anything: Carpe diem.