I don't know how to write this. I don't know why I would bother writing this again, as I have written these words and made these complaints over a hundred times before. Only this time, one thing is different. This time, I have reached the other side and nothing has changed. I could complain all I liked before I finished school about the stress and how none of it was worth it, and all anyone could tell me was that things would be different when school was over. A week and two days after my final exam nothing has changed. I am still feeling this.
I cannot help feeling alone. In the company of close friends, in the company of more distant friends, I feel no sense of connection. I have spent a week being surrounded by people, yet much of the time all I wished was to be alone because at least then it would be normal for me to feel so lonely. I am so disconnected and isolated and I don't feel close to anyone. Yes, we all feel like this sometimes, but not now. This is not how I want to feel now, because it is exactly as I have felt for the past however many years of my life, and now all that is certain is that even on the other side of this long and arduous challenge, the grass is no greener. I have been holding out for a long time to feel good about myself, to feel good about life, to feel fucking good. Full stop.
I feel myself making plans to change my life and be a different person. But I know I will struggle to put these into action. I have no energy and I am so drained and after what has only been a week of freedom, I still feel like complete and utter shit. I don't know what I want to do next year, what I want to do in the future. I don't know anything. I have written lists of all the books I want to read and all the things I want to do: learn to surf, go horseriding, go skydiving, skinny dipping, camping, play soccer, cook, make clothes, do yoga, have a picnic, go iceskating, dancing, bowling, paintballing, go karting, shopping, go on a road trip, travel the world. But what if these are all empty aspirations? I am supposed to be in control, but I feel like I am not because I have lost hope for any prosperity or happiness in my life.
I don't know who I want to be, all I know is that I don't want to be me. I don't want to be who I am now. I can't be or I will just die. I want to start again, but I feel like it is too late. I am too rooted in these cognitions and in these bad habits that have overtaken and ruined my life. I just want to cry and die, I just want to feel something. I am so empty and just do not know what to do. I want to hurt myself and destroy myself, so I can break down everything that I have become - in my mind and in reality - and just rebuild. Restart, all over again.
I do not understand how some days I can have so much hope, and other days things just fall apart. Others may deny it, but, as I have said before, I believe the only way to be happy is to distract yourself from the fact that our lives our absolutely meaningless. Hence the list of extravagant things to do - there has to be something that I can do to make something out of my life, to use my life and to at least feel alive. But you know what? Even if I ever did achieve all these things - the big and small - I can see myself finally sitting down on the couch at the end of it all and feeling exactly as I do now.
Someone once told me that we are guaranteed of one thing in life - change. Well I hate to say it, but experience has proved quite the contrary. Indeed, I have learnt that some things never change. And if this is the case, then when do we say enough is enough?
Sunday, 28 November 2010
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
An empty euphemism.
No one passes away.
Do not describe such grief and sadness
Like it just passes us by without
The deepest sense of loss.
We have all felt it,
And no combination of words could soften the blow.
Death knocks on all our doors and
Wakes us from a slumber devoid of consciousness.
For what was I preoccupied with?
Where sums, equations, studies and concepts
Once filled my brain, I am now
Empty.
None of it seems to matter anymore.
Eight years a friend, yet one minute you were here,
And the next you were gone.
Such parting, so untimely - you are gone too soon.
If I could see you one more time;
To hear you say "Honey" just once more
And just to say goodbye.
Do not describe such grief and sadness
Like it just passes us by without
The deepest sense of loss.
We have all felt it,
And no combination of words could soften the blow.
Death knocks on all our doors and
Wakes us from a slumber devoid of consciousness.
For what was I preoccupied with?
Where sums, equations, studies and concepts
Once filled my brain, I am now
Empty.
None of it seems to matter anymore.
Eight years a friend, yet one minute you were here,
And the next you were gone.
Such parting, so untimely - you are gone too soon.
If I could see you one more time;
To hear you say "Honey" just once more
And just to say goodbye.
Monday, 15 November 2010
Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
Are melted into air, into thin air;
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.
~William Shakespeare, The Tempest
As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
Are melted into air, into thin air;
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.
~William Shakespeare, The Tempest
Sunday, 14 November 2010
Food for thought.
“If you are born into the subculture of poverty, what do you inherit? Well, you inherit an economic condition, and you inherit a social and psychological condition... [One] inheritance is his inability to control impulse: he is present-time orientated and seldom defers gratification, never plans for the future, and endures his here and now with resignation and frustration…
"Now, I don’t want to idealise or romanticise the culture of poverty… But there are some positive aspects which we cannot overlook completely. Present-oriented living, for example, may sharpen one’s attitude for spontaneity and for excitement, for the appreciation of the sensual, for the indulgence of impulse; and these aptitudes are often blunted or muted in people like us who are middle-class and future-oriented…
"They have, in fact, no future. They have only today.”
~ Dodds, The Freedom of the City (Brian Friel)
I realise that we live in a society where it is essential to plan ahead to some extent. It may be considered advantageous to know what you would like to do with your life (even though I don't), to have goals and aspirations and to choose courses of action that will positively impact your future. But I hope that I have finally come to realise that to live in the present is more important than all of this; to live and be in the present is life. We cannot change what has happened. We do not own the future. Much of the future we have little control over. Dodds speaks of a culture of poverty and the life of the pauper - "they only have today" - but really, these words apply to all of us. We only have today.
Do not distress over what has been. Do not feel disappointed over things that have not yet happened. Do not be excited for an end that has not arrived yet. When I was told to "Focus on my current job" I now see why - because focussing on what has been and what is coming is a waste of where I am now. Do not mourn what has happened. Do not celebrate what has not. Just be - right here and right now.
“As we stood on the Guildhall steps, two thoughts raced through my mind: how seriously they took us, and how unpardonably casual we were about them”
~ Skinner, The Freedom of the City (Brian Friel)
A person who has always been quite practical, logical and mature, I would have generally considered myself as a serious person. Despite a vital and jovial side to me, I often found myself supressing this whilst in company and putting on that familiar, safe mask of composure. A friend of mine quoted this statement from our English text as we began our Year 12 exams, and she could not have been any more correct. Although I think she was referring to how seriously the exams were and how unprepared many of us felt for them (herself not included!), I have come to consider this quotation to reflect how seriously everyone around me views the results of these exams, and how impartial I have become towards them.
I used to laugh when someone called them the "November tests"; it seemed a little casual for my once perceived importance of them. But as someone who gave these exams more importance, focus and meaning than most people in my entire school, I think I have now come to view them with greater flippancy than many others - parents, teachers and fellow classmates.
Perhaps it's easier to downplay the importance of something when you haven't been as successful as you would have hoped, but even if this is the case, in a way I think I should be incredibly thankful that these November tests didn't go nearly as perfectly as I'd planned. Once again, living in the future had me stumped, and although I may not quite be sitting in the present at the moment, I am definitely getting there.
Initially the worst experience of my life, these exams have proved one of the greatest learning curves and most insightful lessons I could have ever learned.
Something really slapped me in the face in these few weeks and said, "If you're going to base the whole value of your education, your level of intellect and your self-worth on 4 digits and a decimal point, your a fucking idiot."
"Now, I don’t want to idealise or romanticise the culture of poverty… But there are some positive aspects which we cannot overlook completely. Present-oriented living, for example, may sharpen one’s attitude for spontaneity and for excitement, for the appreciation of the sensual, for the indulgence of impulse; and these aptitudes are often blunted or muted in people like us who are middle-class and future-oriented…
"They have, in fact, no future. They have only today.”
~ Dodds, The Freedom of the City (Brian Friel)
I realise that we live in a society where it is essential to plan ahead to some extent. It may be considered advantageous to know what you would like to do with your life (even though I don't), to have goals and aspirations and to choose courses of action that will positively impact your future. But I hope that I have finally come to realise that to live in the present is more important than all of this; to live and be in the present is life. We cannot change what has happened. We do not own the future. Much of the future we have little control over. Dodds speaks of a culture of poverty and the life of the pauper - "they only have today" - but really, these words apply to all of us. We only have today.
Do not distress over what has been. Do not feel disappointed over things that have not yet happened. Do not be excited for an end that has not arrived yet. When I was told to "Focus on my current job" I now see why - because focussing on what has been and what is coming is a waste of where I am now. Do not mourn what has happened. Do not celebrate what has not. Just be - right here and right now.
“As we stood on the Guildhall steps, two thoughts raced through my mind: how seriously they took us, and how unpardonably casual we were about them”
~ Skinner, The Freedom of the City (Brian Friel)
A person who has always been quite practical, logical and mature, I would have generally considered myself as a serious person. Despite a vital and jovial side to me, I often found myself supressing this whilst in company and putting on that familiar, safe mask of composure. A friend of mine quoted this statement from our English text as we began our Year 12 exams, and she could not have been any more correct. Although I think she was referring to how seriously the exams were and how unprepared many of us felt for them (herself not included!), I have come to consider this quotation to reflect how seriously everyone around me views the results of these exams, and how impartial I have become towards them.
I used to laugh when someone called them the "November tests"; it seemed a little casual for my once perceived importance of them. But as someone who gave these exams more importance, focus and meaning than most people in my entire school, I think I have now come to view them with greater flippancy than many others - parents, teachers and fellow classmates.
Perhaps it's easier to downplay the importance of something when you haven't been as successful as you would have hoped, but even if this is the case, in a way I think I should be incredibly thankful that these November tests didn't go nearly as perfectly as I'd planned. Once again, living in the future had me stumped, and although I may not quite be sitting in the present at the moment, I am definitely getting there.
Initially the worst experience of my life, these exams have proved one of the greatest learning curves and most insightful lessons I could have ever learned.
Something really slapped me in the face in these few weeks and said, "If you're going to base the whole value of your education, your level of intellect and your self-worth on 4 digits and a decimal point, your a fucking idiot."
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
Books to read.
The exams finish on November 18 and the wisdom teeth come out on December 16. No more needs to be said - apart from catching up on a year worth of socialising - there is a long list of movies to watch, TV shows to catch up on and books to read.
Shall I begin?
Candide (Voltaire)
The Bell Jar (Sylvia Plath)
South (Ernest Shackleton)
The Feminine Mystique (Betty Friedman)
The Graduate (Charles Webb)
Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee (Dee Brown)
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (Mark Twain)
Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
Animal Farm (George Orwell)
Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
Only Forward (Michael Marshall Smith)
The Catcher and the Rye (J. D. Salinger)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (Ken Kesey)
Great Expectations (Charles Dickens)
The War of the Worlds (H. G. Wells)
American Psycho (Bret Easton Ellis)
The Lord of the Rings (J. R. R Tolkien)
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)
Around the World in 80 Days (Jules Verne)
Through the Looking Glass & What Alic Found There (Lewis Carroll)
Memoirs of a Geisha
The Penelopiad (Margaret Atwood)
The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinback)
A Farewell to Arms (Ernest Hemingway)
Siddhartha (Hermann Hesse)
The Importance of Being Earnest (Oscar Wilde)
Shall I begin?
Candide (Voltaire)
The Bell Jar (Sylvia Plath)
South (Ernest Shackleton)
The Feminine Mystique (Betty Friedman)
The Graduate (Charles Webb)
Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee (Dee Brown)
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (Mark Twain)
Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
Animal Farm (George Orwell)
Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
Only Forward (Michael Marshall Smith)
The Catcher and the Rye (J. D. Salinger)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (Ken Kesey)
Great Expectations (Charles Dickens)
The War of the Worlds (H. G. Wells)
American Psycho (Bret Easton Ellis)
The Lord of the Rings (J. R. R Tolkien)
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)
Around the World in 80 Days (Jules Verne)
Through the Looking Glass & What Alic Found There (Lewis Carroll)
Memoirs of a Geisha
The Penelopiad (Margaret Atwood)
The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinback)
A Farewell to Arms (Ernest Hemingway)
Siddhartha (Hermann Hesse)
The Importance of Being Earnest (Oscar Wilde)
A hint of realism.
Over halfway, woohoo! English was shithouse - today and yesterday.. But I think I'm okay with that. In the end I think you kind of just have to laugh at the shit essay topics you get given, the stupid meanings you interpret from a poem and the fact that some people are so bold as to tell you how well they went when they know you did shit. In the end I think you just have to find a way to be okay with it.
It is frustrating that I know I have written some brilliant practice commentaries and essays in the past 2 weeks, and 2 years for that matter - some of my best - which feel like they have all gone to waste. But I guess that they themselves are something to be proud of - I guess I can just come away from that knowing that I can write - well - but today, that exam, just wasn't my day. They're all just variables that you can't control. And as I've been told - that's just the way the shitty education system is. In the end, it is what it is, and you just have to find a way to deal with it. Whether that is by trying to do what I am doing now and downplay the significance of it all or some other way, I don't think it matters. You've just got to learn to be okay with it, regardless.
Perhaps doing shit (at least in my eyes) will be a blessing because I will finally learn to appreciate myself for who I am, not what I achieve, and not worry about what others think of me. I have a quote written up on my wall that says, "Your reputation is what you're perceived to be. Your character is who you really are" and maybe this - just like the previous disappointments this year - will finally engrain these ideals into my head.
Honestly, I can't even beat myself up that much with the "not doing enough study excuse" in the past few days, because really, much of what I have stuffed up were things out of my control - I didn't really understand the poem, I cracked under pressure in maths, and I didn't pay attention to the one tiny sentence in the Enviro textbook that said how the destruction of ozone layer was an example of positive feedback. I can't change anything, and I am in control of very little. And everything that has already happened - that, I have no control over.
Perhaps I am making excuses for myself, but I think at least this is bringing me closer to having a more objective and realistic view on what I can take out of these exams and what the results really say about me as a person. And realistically, that is very little, apart from the fact that at the end of all this, those results will say that I made it through these two years and came out on the other side.
Without trying to be too ambitious, maybe this lense of warped perception is fading faster than I had initially imagined.. :)
It is frustrating that I know I have written some brilliant practice commentaries and essays in the past 2 weeks, and 2 years for that matter - some of my best - which feel like they have all gone to waste. But I guess that they themselves are something to be proud of - I guess I can just come away from that knowing that I can write - well - but today, that exam, just wasn't my day. They're all just variables that you can't control. And as I've been told - that's just the way the shitty education system is. In the end, it is what it is, and you just have to find a way to deal with it. Whether that is by trying to do what I am doing now and downplay the significance of it all or some other way, I don't think it matters. You've just got to learn to be okay with it, regardless.
Perhaps doing shit (at least in my eyes) will be a blessing because I will finally learn to appreciate myself for who I am, not what I achieve, and not worry about what others think of me. I have a quote written up on my wall that says, "Your reputation is what you're perceived to be. Your character is who you really are" and maybe this - just like the previous disappointments this year - will finally engrain these ideals into my head.
Honestly, I can't even beat myself up that much with the "not doing enough study excuse" in the past few days, because really, much of what I have stuffed up were things out of my control - I didn't really understand the poem, I cracked under pressure in maths, and I didn't pay attention to the one tiny sentence in the Enviro textbook that said how the destruction of ozone layer was an example of positive feedback. I can't change anything, and I am in control of very little. And everything that has already happened - that, I have no control over.
Perhaps I am making excuses for myself, but I think at least this is bringing me closer to having a more objective and realistic view on what I can take out of these exams and what the results really say about me as a person. And realistically, that is very little, apart from the fact that at the end of all this, those results will say that I made it through these two years and came out on the other side.
Without trying to be too ambitious, maybe this lense of warped perception is fading faster than I had initially imagined.. :)
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
You'll never change what's been and gone...
Hold up... hold on... don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile... Shine on... Don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm.
Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Get up... Come on... why you scared
You'll never change what been and gone
~Oasis
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile... Shine on... Don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm.
Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Get up... Come on... why you scared
You'll never change what been and gone
~Oasis
Crash & Burn
Perhaps these are the words that we need to utter to ourselves every once in a while. As lame as it may sound, maybe when we feel completely alone we should start by cutting ourselves some slack and being our own friend first...
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it's back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relieve and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face they day
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breath again
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
~Darren Hayes & Daniel Johns
A bit of inspiration?
You have a choice. To live or to die. Every second is a choice. Every breath is a choice. To be or not to be.
~Chuck Palahniuk
A minority of people succeed in life, because as people are faced with a hurdle, with a challenge, they back down and withdraw. These hurdles are defeatable. Do not be the person that didn't reach their potential because they shyed away from the challenge. Be the proud and successful person who struggled, embraced it and overcame it to reach the ultimate goal. Do not stop at the hurdles, but find the strength to jump over them.
~M.
Time and time again, you have reached the light at the end of the tunnel. You have faced adversity on countless occasions and pulled through. Just remember, no matter how hard things get, no matter how dim that light is and no matter how far away it seems, it is always there; it never ceases to exist. Shit happens, and shit passes. Just keep pushing through, remembering the gasp of air that awaits you at the end.
~M.
~Chuck Palahniuk
A minority of people succeed in life, because as people are faced with a hurdle, with a challenge, they back down and withdraw. These hurdles are defeatable. Do not be the person that didn't reach their potential because they shyed away from the challenge. Be the proud and successful person who struggled, embraced it and overcame it to reach the ultimate goal. Do not stop at the hurdles, but find the strength to jump over them.
~M.
Time and time again, you have reached the light at the end of the tunnel. You have faced adversity on countless occasions and pulled through. Just remember, no matter how hard things get, no matter how dim that light is and no matter how far away it seems, it is always there; it never ceases to exist. Shit happens, and shit passes. Just keep pushing through, remembering the gasp of air that awaits you at the end.
~M.
What are you worth? What am I worth?
Why is it that I must punish myself incessantly?
Why can I not just give myself a break?
I remember reading once a comment on the back of a toilet cubicle, abusing someone who had replied rather harshly and insensitively to a note that someone else had written saying they wanted to kill themself. This person had written, "...How could you say that? You are the lowest form of life, kicking someone while they are down..."
How true this is, and how much can I apply this to myself.
I am down and I am hurting. I never remember struggling so much in my life as I am now, yet in every possible way I seem to be abusing myself and only making things even harder to cope with. Why dwell on everything that I can't change? Why fucking look up what I was supposed to write in my commentary when I can't change it now? Why punch my fist against my palm pointlessly? Why, why, why...
If I treated anyone else as badly as I treat myself I wouldn't have a friend in the world. So why can I see the best in others and only see the worst in me? How do I get away with loving and respecting others yet reducing myself to nothing?
I am a terrible, terrible person,
But only to myself.
Monday, 8 November 2010
I guess I forgot to consider how much reality could differ from my hopes and expectations. Once viewed upon as a conquest to triumph, these exams have become the final hill of a marathon that I can spare no more energy towards. Once thinking that they would be a place for me to achieve, to give my all and take away something to be proud of, they have become a mere struggle for survival. There is no energy left to give. There is no more effort that can be exerted. There is certainly nothing to be proud of.
Right now I just want to make it through. Right now, that is enough.
In a month and a half, looking at that sheet, looking back...
Then, there will be nothing but regret.
Right now I just want to make it through. Right now, that is enough.
In a month and a half, looking at that sheet, looking back...
Then, there will be nothing but regret.
Saturday, 6 November 2010
Through every dark night...
"Through every dark night, there's a bright day after that. No matter how hard it gets, stick your chest out, keep ya head up... and handle it."
~Tupac
~Tupac
Fuck.
FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS, FUCK THIS, FUCK THIS, FUCK THIS, FUCK THIS. No amount of cursing, no number of capital letters and no group of words even comes close to describing the anger and frustration I feel at everything right now. Talking to people does not make anything better. I hate myself for not being able to get over myself. It frustrates me that no one else can understand, but good for them, at least they don't have to go through it too. I hate that my emotions cannot follow any sort of consistency. I just want someone to hold me in their arms, I just want to break down and cry an ocean of tears into their shoulder. I want to cry until there is not a remnant of water left in my body, and then shrivel up and disappear. Fuck this, man, seriously. Fuck it all.
Friday, 5 November 2010
Facade: n. A showy misrepresentation intended to conceal something unpleasant.
A definition could not be so true or better suited: "A showy misrepresentation intended to conceal something unpleasant." How perfectly these eight words describe my entire schooling life. How perfectly they describe me.
"Showy"
Well I guess any attempt to conceal the truth has to be so exaggerated and flamboyant to be believable, and I think I did a pretty good job. If people had really thought about it, surely they would have realised that this sort of life wasn't really that of a person, but more a robot. Or maybe that is me just getting angry at myself for putting on such a good show that everyone did fall for it. Junior School Leader, lead role in the Year 7 musical, numerous academic awards, Social Justice representative, First Teams in every sport, Kwong Lee Dow Young Scholar, Captain and B&F for Netball - twice, debator, musician, State League netballer, and School fucking Captain. Is that not complete and utter insanity? And why do I not see these as achievements to be proud of? Because they all form part of this act that I have come to hate myself for. And could this act have been much more "showy" as the definition states? Well actually, it could. But now, without triple honours and with a rapidly decreasing ENTER score, perhaps I will not only learn the best lessons of my life, but also break out of this superficial performance.
"Misrepresentation"
So if all of this was a misrepresentation, then who am I really? I don't even know, and I guess that's half the problem. All I know is that I fooled people pretty damn well. At one stage, it was killing me how many times I would hear, "I wish I were you," only to think to myself, "You have no fucking idea." Yet as the facade began to break down, I would panic and quickly gather up the pieces and try and repair it. Why? Maybe because it was what I had come to know and feel comfort with. It was safe and it was secure. It sheilded what I was scared of people finding out, even though I didn't quite know what that was. It was nice to be praised, loved and admired, yet at the same time I paid a heavy price appearing to be this image and suppressing all my emotions and self-destruction underneath. I hated people for not knowing how hard things were and not helping or being there, but instead, "wishing they were me" when they had no clue what that even meant. All of it was a lie, my show was a lovable, perfect and enviable young woman, yet everything that brewed below the surface was the polar opposite.
"Conceal"
So what exactly was it that I trying to conceal? That I had no personality? That I was suffering, in pain, hurt? That I hated myself? Or that I couldn't cope with my pathetic excuse of a life and simply wanted to die? Beneath a confident exterior I was still a shy and self-conscious little girl, yearning for some level of self-acceptance. I was scared of exposing weakness, scared of letting people down, scared of being vulnerable. And honestly, I still am. I have been lost and confused for so long, and somewhere along the way, I seemed to have missed the "coping skills" or "resilience" lesson in my life. Nothing went wrong in my life. Nothing. I just went wrong. Feeling like my life was worth nothing, being nobody and not being okay with that - that is what I was trying to conceal. And what better way than to distract everyone with an almost flawless overachiever - while in the meantime, whoever and whatever I really was just wiltered away.
"Something unpleasant"
Yes it was, is and has been. Right now, where I am, I feel like these have been some of the worst years of my life. This year, certainly, has been the worst year of my life. And in a way, this offers one of the best rewards - what I will have learnt and what I will have achieved. Because in a year, 5 years, 10 years - whenever - I know I will look back at this and say, "I can't believe I got through all that". And right now, these exams, this pressure, this stress and this emotion is one of the worst, most upsetting and most dragged out things I have ever done in my life. It is merely beyond words, so I won't even try. But as they say, if you're going through hell, keep going.
The facade will fall away soon enough - I know it already is, and although part of me wants to hold onto it, in the end I know it will be for the best. At the moment, I am not free, but I will be so soon. It is almost over, and I cannot thank my friends - above all, Nom Nom and Katie Lou - for getting me through this - you don't know how much you have done for me, and I honestly thank you so much and so sincerely for always being there at the end of the phone or the receiving end of a much-needed hug. And Kim, counsellor and friend, well, even though you'll never see this, thank you for everything. For the few tragic lives that may have been lost in your time, I can promise you that you have saved a lot more.
As for me, well, when it's all over I will finally have the freedom to find myself, discover what it is I'm looking for and I will have so much to be proud of - none of this academic crap, but the simple fact that I made it through.
Now, go out there, M. Put on a brave face and finish off what you started.
"Showy"
Well I guess any attempt to conceal the truth has to be so exaggerated and flamboyant to be believable, and I think I did a pretty good job. If people had really thought about it, surely they would have realised that this sort of life wasn't really that of a person, but more a robot. Or maybe that is me just getting angry at myself for putting on such a good show that everyone did fall for it. Junior School Leader, lead role in the Year 7 musical, numerous academic awards, Social Justice representative, First Teams in every sport, Kwong Lee Dow Young Scholar, Captain and B&F for Netball - twice, debator, musician, State League netballer, and School fucking Captain. Is that not complete and utter insanity? And why do I not see these as achievements to be proud of? Because they all form part of this act that I have come to hate myself for. And could this act have been much more "showy" as the definition states? Well actually, it could. But now, without triple honours and with a rapidly decreasing ENTER score, perhaps I will not only learn the best lessons of my life, but also break out of this superficial performance.
"Misrepresentation"
So if all of this was a misrepresentation, then who am I really? I don't even know, and I guess that's half the problem. All I know is that I fooled people pretty damn well. At one stage, it was killing me how many times I would hear, "I wish I were you," only to think to myself, "You have no fucking idea." Yet as the facade began to break down, I would panic and quickly gather up the pieces and try and repair it. Why? Maybe because it was what I had come to know and feel comfort with. It was safe and it was secure. It sheilded what I was scared of people finding out, even though I didn't quite know what that was. It was nice to be praised, loved and admired, yet at the same time I paid a heavy price appearing to be this image and suppressing all my emotions and self-destruction underneath. I hated people for not knowing how hard things were and not helping or being there, but instead, "wishing they were me" when they had no clue what that even meant. All of it was a lie, my show was a lovable, perfect and enviable young woman, yet everything that brewed below the surface was the polar opposite.
"Conceal"
So what exactly was it that I trying to conceal? That I had no personality? That I was suffering, in pain, hurt? That I hated myself? Or that I couldn't cope with my pathetic excuse of a life and simply wanted to die? Beneath a confident exterior I was still a shy and self-conscious little girl, yearning for some level of self-acceptance. I was scared of exposing weakness, scared of letting people down, scared of being vulnerable. And honestly, I still am. I have been lost and confused for so long, and somewhere along the way, I seemed to have missed the "coping skills" or "resilience" lesson in my life. Nothing went wrong in my life. Nothing. I just went wrong. Feeling like my life was worth nothing, being nobody and not being okay with that - that is what I was trying to conceal. And what better way than to distract everyone with an almost flawless overachiever - while in the meantime, whoever and whatever I really was just wiltered away.
"Something unpleasant"
Yes it was, is and has been. Right now, where I am, I feel like these have been some of the worst years of my life. This year, certainly, has been the worst year of my life. And in a way, this offers one of the best rewards - what I will have learnt and what I will have achieved. Because in a year, 5 years, 10 years - whenever - I know I will look back at this and say, "I can't believe I got through all that". And right now, these exams, this pressure, this stress and this emotion is one of the worst, most upsetting and most dragged out things I have ever done in my life. It is merely beyond words, so I won't even try. But as they say, if you're going through hell, keep going.
The facade will fall away soon enough - I know it already is, and although part of me wants to hold onto it, in the end I know it will be for the best. At the moment, I am not free, but I will be so soon. It is almost over, and I cannot thank my friends - above all, Nom Nom and Katie Lou - for getting me through this - you don't know how much you have done for me, and I honestly thank you so much and so sincerely for always being there at the end of the phone or the receiving end of a much-needed hug. And Kim, counsellor and friend, well, even though you'll never see this, thank you for everything. For the few tragic lives that may have been lost in your time, I can promise you that you have saved a lot more.
As for me, well, when it's all over I will finally have the freedom to find myself, discover what it is I'm looking for and I will have so much to be proud of - none of this academic crap, but the simple fact that I made it through.
Now, go out there, M. Put on a brave face and finish off what you started.
Glass half empty.
Why is it so much easier to see the worst in myself than the best? Why must I be blind to any merits or good doings that I am acknowledged for?
The problem with being a perfectionist is that the picture is not even that of being a glass half full or a glass half empty. It is a matter of a glass being full, or a glass being not full. There is no middle ground - if the glass if 95% full, this is still insufficient.
Just like 95.00 seems like such a god damn disappointment. You know, someone pointed out to me that, as terrifying as such a score might be, that would still put you in the top 5% of the state - so since when was that not good enough? Well, since always.
I do not remember when I was suddenly struck with such a distorted perception of the world, or when I became so self-critical, but somewhere along the way, some cognitions lined up in such a way that it has been years since I have been able to see the world clearly. So long, in fact, that I do not even remember not feeling like this.
When will this distorted lense of warped perception disappear? When will I ever see things objectively, and when will I ever appreciate myself? So many questions, and so few answers.
Thursday, 4 November 2010
Our deepest fear...
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
~Nelson Mandela
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
~Nelson Mandela
Monday, 1 November 2010
Right now.
Right now, I really just need someone to tell me that I'm okay. Years and years of my own abuse and my own self-hatred - promising myself that things will be different in the future. That things will change once I reach the other side? But where is the other side? When is it?
Right now, I need someone to tell that I am beautiful. That they can look at me and smile. I need someone to reassure me that one day, somewhere, someone will fall in love with this monster. Someone needs to tell me that it's okay to want to lose 10 kilos, but even if I didn't, they would still look at me with just as much love and respect.
Right now, I need someone to tell me that I am interesting. That I am "cool" in one way or another or that there is something about me that makes me special or unique. I wish that someone could look me in the eye and honestly tell me that my words are worth listening to or that they value me as a person. And why. Some sort of reassurance that I am not that socially retarded or that I am not pedantic and wound up by the stupidest little things. Although to that, perhaps I would just say, "You don't really know me."
Right now, I need someone who will tell me that I am a good person. That they know I have good intentions and that I am worthy of love from others. That perhaps I could make a difference.
Right now, I need someone to tell me that things are going to turn out okay. That I will get through this. That one day, one day soon, I will be happy and life will stop being such a chore. That I won't feeling like crying all the time and that things won't be such a struggle for no good reason.
Right now I need all of this from someone else, because quite simply, I cannot give it to me. Right now, I need to believe it.
Right now, though, I don't think anyone is listening...
Right now, I need someone to tell that I am beautiful. That they can look at me and smile. I need someone to reassure me that one day, somewhere, someone will fall in love with this monster. Someone needs to tell me that it's okay to want to lose 10 kilos, but even if I didn't, they would still look at me with just as much love and respect.
Right now, I need someone to tell me that I am interesting. That I am "cool" in one way or another or that there is something about me that makes me special or unique. I wish that someone could look me in the eye and honestly tell me that my words are worth listening to or that they value me as a person. And why. Some sort of reassurance that I am not that socially retarded or that I am not pedantic and wound up by the stupidest little things. Although to that, perhaps I would just say, "You don't really know me."
Right now, I need someone who will tell me that I am a good person. That they know I have good intentions and that I am worthy of love from others. That perhaps I could make a difference.
Right now, I need someone to tell me that things are going to turn out okay. That I will get through this. That one day, one day soon, I will be happy and life will stop being such a chore. That I won't feeling like crying all the time and that things won't be such a struggle for no good reason.
Right now I need all of this from someone else, because quite simply, I cannot give it to me. Right now, I need to believe it.
Right now, though, I don't think anyone is listening...
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